June 21, 2010 by admin.

Courting

A lot of folks have recently begun asking me questions about our girls; (Logan is still available) how their relationships with their “to-be’s” came about, and how they are progressing. So I thought I would just write a little about it, give some definitive terms, and how it has happened not once, but twice so far in our family. What’s more, we are looking forward to a third time! The next time, it will be different for us because Logan will be doing the courting instead of being courted! I might be asking for some advice from someone else on this one!

To begin, there are many, many different ideas about courtship. I really don’t think that any two or three families do it exactly the same way, although involved families need to agree on how their children will be courting. They need to be on the same page as far as courtship rules etc. For example, along with our physical contact rules which I talk about in the next couple paragraphs, we also have a rule that we read all letters and cards and all emails and chats. There is nothing spoken of that cannot be heard by parents or siblings. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Being brought up in a ‘dating’ culture, neither my husband, nor I had any concept of courting when we started seeing each other as a couple. While our parents certainly did not want us to be promiscuous, they saw nothing at all wrong with holding hands or hugging or even kissing for the most part, eventually. I say eventually, because things in dating relationships usually progress quickly physically often leaving out the more important facets of a relationship while courtship progresses intellectually, emotionally and spiritually for a more well rounded relationship, sealing the courtship with marriage and the physical.

A friend of ours, when talking to teens and families is quick to point out that what hand you are holding or whose lips you are kissing do not belong to you if you are not married. If you are not committed to a relationship before you get that pleasure, you may be kissing someone else’s wife or husband! Avoid fornication. That’s good advice.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians chapter 7, verses 1-4 that it is good for a man not to touch a woman, but to avoid fornication, let them have a wife or a husband. In today’s world and culture, teenagers can’t have a wife or a husband, so our family believes that to avoid fornication until such time, touching is off limits. As a teenager, I did not understand, (not discounting my own rebellion) that physical contact is dangerous if not within the bonds of marriage. I will say that we allow our children to shake hands with their “to-be’s” It is a different handshake than at fellowship time at church, but not long enough to count as hand-holding. They can say hello and goodbye, but otherwise there is no touching.

Why the word “to-be”? Well, again, unlike a dating situation, our children’s relationships are not based on a trial or a game. The young men are not just having a good time with our girls, but they have the intention of marriage, and they have had that idea since the day they each came to my husband and asked to court our daughters. (more on that later)

The word ‘boyfriend’ is a word that we don’t even like to use, but most people don’t understand our vocabulary. To keep from having to explain our courting terms over and over, we just say boyfriend most of the time. J So, actually when we say “to-be” we mean husband or wife to-be. I like to use the words Leah’s or Sarah’s “intended” or ‘Fellow’, while Kelcey’s parents usually call Leah, “Kelcey’s Lady” or his “Princess”.

Some people think that we were silly to put that serious of a tag on the relationship from the very start, but the reason for that is simple. We’re not playing games. It IS a serious relationship. We know both our daughter’s relationships were orchestrated not from human trial and error, but from a heavenly design and plan for the good of our children and the glory of God. Why should we NOT revel in the grace of God and his will being accomplished in our lives? It is an answer to many prayers to have Kelcey O’Neil courting our Leah and Christopher Davis courting our Sarah.

Yes, we believe that we prayed, and God answered. You don’t let God have that part of your life? Do you not think it’s important enough to pray about? Or do you think that God doesn’t care who your child spends the rest of her/his life with? Do you not think that you can choose (or at least influence highly) your child’s idea of a mate? We actually had a mental list of qualifications and these guys met the standards. If they had not, the answer would have been no, we don’t believe you are the young man God has for our daughter.

One of the first questions that I get asked from well meaning but ignorant folks is ‘He is a Christian isn’t he?” Once, I replied. “Yes, but he likes to party and get drunk on the weekends, we’re hoping she is a good influence” My friend knew I was joking, so I said, “Ask a stupid question…” Then I asked her did she honestly think we would approve of a situation without Christ as the center? OR could it be that coming from a dating culture, we just expect our teenagers to rebel?

Our Courting ideas did not come from a book (except the Bible). We had our own ideas of what we wanted for our children for the most part. One thing we avoided was play-dating. We never encouraged little boyfriends or let them hold hands with other little ones when they were small. I guess we always saw the danger of letting our children be flirtatious. Yes, it’s cute, however, we always were able to see that what is wrong and cute at age two is still wrong and NOT cute at age 12. Did they have crushes? Sure. And they told us about them. When they did express that they ‘liked’ someone, we did not fain excitement or show how ‘fun’ or cute it was that they had an interest, but we re-iterated what the Bible says about husbands and wives. (I was reading this aloud and Leah says we said “He’s married! J ) We taught our girls to be chaste and modest instead of flirtatious and wanton. Now, when they think about their past crushes, they know it was a healthy interest in the opposite sex, but they are not embarrassed of their actions.

We did not roll our eyes in mock frustration in the ‘what am I going to do with you’ attitude. We realized that human beings are created to be loved by someone special and it is not good that man be alone. It doesn’t matter how old you are. You know what love is. We never told them they did not know what they were talking about, but we did tell them that they lacked the experience to choose what was best and we tried to develop their trust in us by being honest, sincere, and hopefully consistent enough that when we thought it time, or the right person was revealed, we would tell them.

It was the same - but different- for both girls. Here’s how it happened: (remember that there are FOUR gospels, so if you want another version of the love story, ask Kelcey, Leah, and Kelcey’s parents! LOL)

The Prince and the Princess:

(Imagine sweeping harp chords, dreamy chimes and the foggy mist of memory lifting)

We went to Virginia for my husband to preach and our family to sing at a newly established church. The pastor is a friend we’ve known since the early 1990’s. He informed my husband casually that there would be another preacher and his family there- the O’Neil’s. We did not know them, although we had traveled in the same circles and knew many of the same people. The Pastor was surprised! How could we not know them?! We had been to the same churches but had never met. The answer, it was not time. As we women- another preacher’s wife, the pastor’s wife and I- were preparing food for the meeting, the O’Neil’s arrived and the door to the Pastor’s home opened. In walked a tall, dark and handsome stranger with a firm handshake and a pair of nice cowboy boots! J He spoke with confidence, was polite to my husband and could hold an intelligent conversation. Only one problem, he wasn’t the least bit interested in Leah! My husband, however, was ticking that list off in his mind and Kelcey O’Neil was fitting the bill. Later, my husband revealed to me that he thought the Lord was answering our prayers for Leah. It ‘just so happened’ that we found common interests with Kelcey’s parents (which we found out later was because they were ticking off their own list and had gotten the word from the Heavenly Headquarters that Leah was going to be their daughter-in- law) and began spending time in many family outings getting to know each other. Leah and I spoke in November of 2007 about how she might be feeling about Kelcey, and I told her what her Dad and I believed. That he was ’the one’. Kelcey fought tooth and nail against this arrangement although nothing had been said to him about it. He had no problem fellowshipping with Ron and me, but when it came to being nice to Leah or even pretending to be nice, he wanted none of it. Nothing was said to him of trying to ’marry him off’ but he felt it. He was very upset to hear his Dad praying about this situation, but later told us that it was a sweet memory. We went away for a week or two in October 2008 in our ministry (almost a year after Leah and I had spoken), and Kelcey found that it was not being able to live WITH someone for the rest of your life, but not being able to live WITHOUT them that mattered. He missed Leah. It smacked him hard upside his head and he told his dad that he thought he was beginning to like Leah. Over the course of the next eight months, he and his dad had many conversations and, eventually, Leah began seeing a change. She began to notice that he was looking her way, that he would say something to her now and again, that talking to him for more than a sentence or two was kind of nice…and that she could be herself. (To understand more about Leah, read the blog = The Same But Different) By Memorial Day 2009, they were holding conversations alone, but in plain sight. They laughed, and they talked and talked! June 2009 was Leah’s graduation from home school and she was a picture of a magnificent lady full of grace in her formal dress we bought for her! Kelcey could take it no more, and the day after graduation, he and his Dad took Ron to lunch, and he asked to court Leah. Ron asked him some basic questions and then they came back to the house. We sat as a family around our table and Kelcey told Leah that he had just had a talk with her Daddy and had asked him if he could court her if she would ‘be agreeable’. She said she was, very much so. Kelcey’s Dad then asked Leah some questions, too. When he asked her how serious she was about courting Kelcey, she surprised us all by looking into Kelcey’s eyes and saying, “I’m very serious. I love you very much.” I could not have day-dreamed that! I could not have picked up and read a fairy tale with that much magic!

It has been a year, and they have grown together in goals and dreams. Tonight, as they sat on the porch swing, they sat and read the Bible together and prayed. They are planning their life together, and preparing for marriage. Am I naïve enough to think that they do not want to touch, hold hands, kiss and cuddle? Not on your life! I know they have that desire, but their desire to do things right is stronger. They have not been placed into compromising situations that tested their resolve to the point of breaking. We do not hover over them, nor do we require them to be constantly watched, although they are in public areas at all times. They have been sheltered by grace and kept in a safe place. No, they are not engaged in the generic sense of the word because Kelcey has not proposed, nor given her a ring. When the last pieces of his plan are put into place, there will be another formal meeting with Ron and Kelcey, man to man, and an engagement will be commenced - complete with celebration with family and some very close friends- and the carving of Kelcey’s name into Leah’s hope chest! Although we have always known that marriage is the imminent goal, we want them to have the memory of the very moment that he actually asks her to be his bride. That is the day that the wedding date is announced. Although there has been quite a few months of courtship, there will probably not be a long engagement; probably just long enough to order a dress and some invitations! And the Prince and the Princess will live happily ever after….

In the time before their courtship, the Queen Mum (um that would be me) did a lot of instructing on how to be a good Princess and began preparing Leah to be courted. She grew and matured, waiting quietly for her Prince. ( I think the other Queen and I were a bit ‘antsy’ but Leah actually did fine while waiting for His Royal Stubbornness to come around! J ) So, when his intentions were finally realized, she was ready to accept, easily and with no reserve. I never said a lot to Leah about Kelcey before his announcement, as far as teasing her about liking him. She is not that kind of girl. I knew she would break down and cry. She wanted to believe, but did not want to hope too strongly, that Kelcey liked her. So we just didn’t talk about it much. At one point , I think she really wanted to just forget about it all because Kelcey was being more than a little rude to her, trying, I think, to remain in control of the situation but not being very successful!

TALE NUMBER TWO -

The Charming Knight and the Lady in Waiting…

The Lady who waited and waited for her own prince to come sat daydreaming about a day when, like her sister, a handsome stranger would ask for her hand. She wanted to feel included and doted upon. She wanted to be special to someone who would understand her. She filled her days with music and photography of God’s beautiful creation; his flowers, his clouds, his rain and dewdrops. She filled her spirit with laughter and mischief. She climbed hills and rooftops so as to see things from a different perspective. That was nothing new. Sarah always sees things from a different perspective! She was jealous of Leah but she didn’t want to be. She knew she was two years younger. She just felt left out! Then, there was an evening in March 2009 when we went to the O’Neil’s house with the specific purpose of playing music with an old friend of theirs, and a newer friend of Kelcey’s, one Mr. Christopher Davis who played the piano, and who was a computer savvy co-worker of his. We, Ron and I, found him very charming, and I saw Sarah melt before my very eyes. When we got home, I told Ron what I had seen and although we had been praying for Sarah, our lives had been a little consumed with Leah’s heartstrings, so we began praying in earnest for our little Sarah Grace. Chris came to Ron’s birthday party that we held in his honor at my In-law’s house. He was the last to leave as he and Sarah had been finding common ground in the Irish whistle music and some favorite hymns. At one point, Leah walked into the music room where Sarah and Chris were, and felt so much energy that she walked back out smiling and pointing! I shushed her quickly and reminded her that she had a long while before seeing her sister in the same courtship situation as she was so newly in! J It was not long after that moment that Ron, too saw sparks flying, handed Mr. Davis his hat and told him good night, in a courteous manner, of course! At the next meeting- about a month later, the four kids went over to the church at Walton and played music together. This is when Chris said it strongly occurred to him that ‘someone’ was going to be a lucky guy to get Sarah. He was still thinking about his college plans and not getting serious about anyone. For a long while, Sir Chris, the noble gentle knight spent time, money and effort for and with our family and the O’Neil’s. I think he began to notice that the things Kelcey and Leah did as a courting couple were no different than when they weren’t officially courting, except for a few more longing looks (which Chris teased him mercilessly about). He found that he liked exchanging friendly greetings on Sarah’s Facebook wall, and ‘singing’ with her the hymns of praise. He saw that she loved the Lord and was genuinely interested in service. He began asking Kelcey questions about courting when they went to lunch or when they got together to play music without us around. In about November of 2009, he told Kelcey that he thought he might like someone. I am not sure whether or not he told him it was Sarah. Of course Kelcey did not tell us, but God sure had told us months before! At our house, things were getting pretty rough for Sarah because of me and Leah. We teased her about Sir Chris and SuperChris as we called him because he could fix ANY computer or technical related question. We laughed that they had so much in common and how cute they were going to be together. Even Ron got in on the act and began teasing Sarah about Chris. She took it well, hoping and wanting to believe that maybe some day after Chris graduated college and she finished high school, that he might think about her. After Chris and his family came up to exchange gifts at Christmas, it looked like things might be looking up for Sarah. I think around the first of January 2010, Chris told his parents that he liked Sarah and that he was praying about it. He began attending our church on Wednesday nights, sometimes even driving in snowy and winter weather conditions! Ron said he didn’t think Chris was driving all that way just to see him! Sarah’s 16^th birthday was on a Tuesday and we had a small family gathering, purposely choosing not to invite Chris up specially. Ron and I could feel a thunderhead forming and didn’t want to push anything. We decided to play along at the ‘just friends’ façade Chris was putting up. After all, A few days after Sarah’s birthday, we had planned a skating party for her at a local skating rink and he and his family were coming to that. On the day of her party it rained so hard that it flooded our neighborhood and we couldn’t get out of the hollow! Sarah was SO very upset- not only because the party had to be postponed until the next week, but because she was looking so forward to seeing Chris that day. I think he had kind of an inkling, but not a real understanding of how much Sarah cared about him. But when he heard that she was upset- and crying, he could barely contain his true feelings anymore and tried to console her by telling her that it was just the Twelve Days of Birthday! All her grief over postponing the party was gone! The Wednesday after that, Chris came to supper, as he had been doing, but before church, stopped Ron and asked him if he would come to dinner on Friday with him and his Dad. On Friday, March 19^th 2010, Chris asked Ron for Sarah. It had been almost a year since he had talked to Kelcey, and Ron was more than happy to say yes to Chris, but he did not think about Chris and his Dad coming to the house so he could ask Sarah himself. He came home with the great news to the Queen Mum and the Princess, and most of all the Lady in Waiting all chastising him for telling Chris he would see him in the morning! He ACCIDENTLY made Chris wait until Saturday, March 20^th to ask Sarah to be his Lady. (instead of just in-waiting!) In that twelve hours, Chris did a lot of thinking about how to talk to Sarah face to face and he was so nervous when we four finally sat down at the table. (The Prince and Princess took care of keeping the rest of the court occupied while the round table meeting was commencing!) Unlike Kelcey’s and Leah’s announcement, Chris’ parents were not present when he asked Sarah if she would allow him to court her, and unlike Leah’s announcement to Kelcey, Sarah did not forcefully and confidently proclaim her love to her noble Knight in Shining Armor. She just sweetly smiled, and said she would allow him to. J A little later, as they sat by the piano, Chris on the bench and Sarah at his feet, she smiled up at him and whispered ‘those three little words’ to Chris before he left with Kelcey for the evening. Kelcey said he had to use two seatbelts to tie Chris down on the way home that night - because he was floating away on cloud nine! It has been almost three months since that evening, and Sarah has indeed been courted very well! And we believe that God has been glorified! Their letters and conversations praise God for his goodness, and for his choice to put them together. They talk of wanting to please the Lord in their lives and in their life together. They are not making marriage plans yet, but know that they are going to get married. Right now, they are re-iterating Chris’ desire and necessity to finish his accounting degree. Sarah still has a year of high school to finish. Right now, they just want to make beautiful music together and are still amazed to see God working in their lives. They are beginning to grow together, and in the Lord. We are looking for great things from them! The beginning…

So… that’s how it happened and is happening. If you have any questions, or comments, please feel free to let me know J

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February 23, 2010 by admin.

This part was lost in the computer laundry….I might find it later lol….

Let’s go on to some Homeschooling Q & A Well, for the last three .. um…two…blogs, I’ve not really focused on homeschooling as much as getting to the heart of the spiritual issue of trust. I thought I would kind of get back on the subject of homeschooling for those of my followers who want to know about homeschooling, since they don’t need any spiritual advice

Posted in friends, teachers, opposition to homeschooling, attitude, comments, beginning, letter of intent, curriculum, homeschooling | 2 Comments »

October 21, 2009 by admin.

The still, gray days of November are upon us, and it’s a big temptation to sleep in and let the day go by without accomplishing much school-wise.  We justify it by saying no one would get anything out of it anyway because they can’t concentrate when they feel so ‘blah’. It’s a huge temptation to turn on the TV or video for the little ones while we sip hot tea or chocolate and catch up on Facebook or latest gossip on the phone, or read.   Been there, done that. (Jas 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.)   

It’s on the gray days that we have to deal with the “I don’t want to’s” of those who are still learning character. (We ARE responsible to teach them that, you know. J ) When we show weakness in consistency, it’s so easy for them to see it.  A good rule of thumb is:  There is more caught than taught. 

If your children have been in public school, or even Christian school, it is now probably the time when they will say things like, “It was more fun in school than here at home” or “I miss my friends.”  Because I homeschooled from the beginning, I never had to wade through the ‘school comparison’  muck.  I know it’s hard when they have had fun with friends and now all the sudden they are faced with temptation.  YES, I said temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13.)  Even always-homeschooled kids tend to complain at times. That’s how I know it’s a temptation!

It is easier to skip that fight, rather than pick it today. So don’t fight.  You are the parent. You make the rules.   No, beating them is not an option!  They do have an opinion.  They just expressed it.  Now, you must show wisdom and discretion.  They are old enough to understand the Lord’s plan for the home.  Re-iterate that with a smile on your lips and a song in your heart and you will be a wise parent.  Do you honestly think that our enemies (the world, the flesh and the Devil) want it to be easy?  Step up, homeschooling parent.  You are not only fighting YOUR blahs, but also your children’s blahs. 

Be encouraged! Remember, that everyone has a bad day now and then, and sometimes even a bad week sneaks up on us!  Everyone is subject to them, everyone fails now and then!  But get back up.  Don’t give up! Don’t get overwhelmed!

There are ways around the blahs.

Make it fun. Bake cookies.  Tell stories.  Bundle up and gather pretty leaves, then drink hot cocoa with marshmallows!   Soon, Thanksgiving will be here!  Start on a Thanksgiving project.  Make pretty napkin holders from construction paper for the table, or start a paper chain for the Christmas tree.  No, it’s not too early!   Bake an apple pie for dessert. Draw a picture for Daddy.  Fingerpaint a fall tree! Use the leaves you gathered to make a picture!   Life has to be lived.  Paperwork has to be done, but then – have a HOME school.  Enjoy your children while they are small.  If they are half grown, like mine, they tend to do what they have to do without much whining.  But I have been where you are. 

That doesn’t mean that I have stopped fighting the blahs of my household. Today I have filled my house with good smells – a candle in the warmer, chili in the crock pot, a fresh pot of coffee.  I have turned on the washing machine and swept the carpet (when the floor is clean the whole house looks better!)  I am listening to some upbeat Irish music as I write, and remembering my friends who have been such a blessing to me!  I have on warm, snuggy house shoes given to me by my sister, Maggie.  I have on clothes given to me by my bestest friend, Patricia, and another great sister in Christ.  I have food to spare in the pantry, and my bills are paid!  My husband has work today.  My kids are (mostly) well;

I am reaping the benefits of early training.  Sarah is doing Biology and Economics.  Leah is teaching

You don’t have to live in chaos.  God is not the author of confusion -1 Cor. 14:33.  And I honestly don’t think he’s the author of the blahs.  You can win this battle today, Child of God!  Pray for me, I am praying for you.  J

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